Dark secret from within

it's like an intense wave of hunger, like you haven't eaten in days... it's sickening, its painful... you're almost doubling over. and the worst part is, it isn't hunger. no amount of eating can make it any better... it's only a phantom hunger, a phantom pain, like a quadraplegic has in their legs... it doesn't really exist, it's all in your head. your head... also throbbing from pain... because it can't stand the pain in your stomach, you can't think, you can barely function... and that much is a stretch... the pain's not an issue, you can resist it, no matter how bad it gets, pain means nothing to you... it's just incredibly frustrating how your body can't seem to get over it... as it spreads upwards to your chest, and a slow ache moves into your legs... you try to walk, and your damaged knees give way and you find yourself on the floor, there's still no recognition of the intensity of the pain, it's just so frustrating... why aren't you feeling the pain that's now ripping through your body?? the truth, the terrifying truth... lies in a part of you that you dare not look... some dark corner somewhere, lurking, you're aware of it, aware of the dark secret within you, but you only care that it stays hidden, slowly destroying you, but it must stay hidden... at any cost... no one can ever know.
no one could ever know... about my pain, my phantom pain, my terrifying secret... that lurked within, slowly destroying me as i fought to keep it hidden... so long ago now, yet still so real... every little reminder takes me back there, to that dark, lonely pit, the spiral that keeps on slipping lower... the fall into depression.
many believe that depression isn't real, it's self-inflicted, or that it only happens to drug-addicts and alcoholics... not true in the least. depression is a condition that comes from having low self-esteem, which is often a result of others openly expressing a dislike for a vulnerable person... the kind of people bullies always pick on. would you put anyone through this kind of pain, this kind of suffering? read it again... can u even imagine the feeling? i have felt it, this is my experience with depression - but you can get through... and my experience was real, it wasn't self-inflicted, or due to drugs or alcohol... it was the result of years and years of put-downs, of being disregarded, inflicted on a naturally insecure person - i never developed confidence... i faked it, i never developed a sense of belonging... or never was i comfortable in myself... it was all a show, to stop people from seeing the dark secret within me. think about it... don't let anyone push you into that pit, ever... it's not worth it... some don't recover...